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celebration
May 2008 
Katie, the feeler.
Posted on Jan 15th, 2008
by 
Inquisitive
Inquisitive
I recently read this book by Osho that discussed 'types' of characteristic traits we may demonstrate more than others, specifically what guides our overall choices in life and how we (individually) relate to the world. It is pretty similiar to the Jungian Myers-Brigg test on personality (ie, thinking, feeling, judging, perceiving), but Osho's explanations seem to go deeper. While I thought I tended to be more of a thinker, or at least be pretty balanced on both thinking and feeling factors, I am now starting to realize that I'm more of a 'feeler' than a thinker. In specific situations I can be very much a thinker, but deep down, I feel alot more than I think. This can be both good and bad, I suppose. You can't have the good without the bad, right? Most choices I would say I have made about people, life, love, what to do about conflicts,etc have been primarily made through how I have felt...NOT what I have thought.
From a very young age, even though I was a difficult child, I was always very sensitive to feelings. I would spend alot of time with my grandmother and I could just FEEL how much she loved me, so much so that I was totally devastated by her death when I was just 10 years old. I knew she had died even before I 'logically' knew, an intuitive feeling. And while I was so young when she passed away, there's really no one more influential on the degree of feeling and compassion that has been instilled in me than her presence in my early little life. Would I be as much of a 'feeling' person had she not been a part of it? I don't know. At times I have wondered if being the oldest child has made me that way too, but not entirely. I do care about my family alot, but I care about so many other people too. That was one of the other signs in the book I was reading about whether you're a thinker, feeler,etc: the feeling that you have alot of love/feeling for many people, not just limited to a person here or there. As I read that, I'm like, "Oh my god, that's totally me!!" It can be a great feeling, but it can also be difficult at times....especially lately.
One of the things I have struggled with over the years is frustration over not having a sense of fulfilled reciprocal emotional relationships off and on. Naturally, as I have said, I care ALOT about how others are, wanting to REALLY know their thoughts, feelings, secrets, dreams, fears, etc. And I enjoy those feelings, I really really do. But I also have the opposite feeling that come with it: a feeling of being the one who is taking care of others and alot of times the very people I'm nurturing aren't the ones who nurture/have an inclination to know me. I don't say this out of having high expectations, because honestly I really don't. I have in the past, but not so much anymore. Too much disappointment, too much heartache. I try to just rely on myself these days. But I still grapple with the feelings and tend to pull away from those I don't feel really care.
Lately, it has been two of my siblings. Granted, I know I'm the oldest and it's my 'role' to be the responsible one, see how they are doing,etc etc. But it gets old after awhile when I never get asked the simple questions people normally ask when they care: how I'm doing, what I'm doing, thinking, feeling,etc. I know my two siblings know I'm moving, and yet they haven't said a word about it because they're too caught up in their own drama. It may sound silly, but that's just one of numerous examples. I love them, but this hurts me. Especially since I always try to be there for them. Maybe I need to be more selective about whom I care about and with who I offer emotional support. Interestingly, I had this really intense session with one of my favorite clients today that really had me 'feeling' where she is coming from.
The main topic of discussion was how she is the oldest in her family and....(big surprise) has felt like everyone's caretaker, only to feel alone when she is the one that needs help, someone to listen,etc. Usually one to be very positive and keep her sad/painful feelings to herself, she began to open up to me in a way I have never seen in the almost three years we have done counseling together. I kept telling her it's ok to feel what she feels (because she kept trying to justify it...like I might do), even if I'm the only one she can express those feelings with. As the session progressed, she became teary and cried a little bit. I was quietly attentive as I allowed her to cry and listened to the pain she had buried from years past. There's something beautiful about witnessing raw pain, as depressing or bizarre as that may sound to most people.
Sometimes I think I'm too much of a feeler, too sensitive because when I see true pain (versus someone who may just be manipulative) in one of my clients, I too find myself getting emotional (on the inside). I can feel their pain so strongly that I secretly feel myself becoming slightly teary-eyed. I wonder if this is normal, if I'm too compassionate to be a therapist at times. But maybe it's just a part of the core of who I am. I don't think I'd want it any other way either, as hard and emotional as it can be.
At one point, she mentioned how she heard indirectly how much a family member loved her and how shocked she was because this person never told her directly. I told my client that it just goes to show how we sometimes have no idea who loves us, how much we are loved....that sometimes it's the people who never say/show it (or maybe it's so subtle that love us the most. It was as if I needed to say those words of insight/encouragement to remind myself just as much as it was important for her to hear me say it. I feel like I have had alot of sessions with clients in the past month where they end up breaking down crying. It is overwhelming being in the presence of that, but yet it helps me realize my own feelings on life, death, transition, and simply what it means to be a feeling human being. And in those moments, I am reminded of why it can be wonderful (for me) to feel SO much.
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." ---American Beauty
From a very young age, even though I was a difficult child, I was always very sensitive to feelings. I would spend alot of time with my grandmother and I could just FEEL how much she loved me, so much so that I was totally devastated by her death when I was just 10 years old. I knew she had died even before I 'logically' knew, an intuitive feeling. And while I was so young when she passed away, there's really no one more influential on the degree of feeling and compassion that has been instilled in me than her presence in my early little life. Would I be as much of a 'feeling' person had she not been a part of it? I don't know. At times I have wondered if being the oldest child has made me that way too, but not entirely. I do care about my family alot, but I care about so many other people too. That was one of the other signs in the book I was reading about whether you're a thinker, feeler,etc: the feeling that you have alot of love/feeling for many people, not just limited to a person here or there. As I read that, I'm like, "Oh my god, that's totally me!!" It can be a great feeling, but it can also be difficult at times....especially lately.
One of the things I have struggled with over the years is frustration over not having a sense of fulfilled reciprocal emotional relationships off and on. Naturally, as I have said, I care ALOT about how others are, wanting to REALLY know their thoughts, feelings, secrets, dreams, fears, etc. And I enjoy those feelings, I really really do. But I also have the opposite feeling that come with it: a feeling of being the one who is taking care of others and alot of times the very people I'm nurturing aren't the ones who nurture/have an inclination to know me. I don't say this out of having high expectations, because honestly I really don't. I have in the past, but not so much anymore. Too much disappointment, too much heartache. I try to just rely on myself these days. But I still grapple with the feelings and tend to pull away from those I don't feel really care.
Lately, it has been two of my siblings. Granted, I know I'm the oldest and it's my 'role' to be the responsible one, see how they are doing,etc etc. But it gets old after awhile when I never get asked the simple questions people normally ask when they care: how I'm doing, what I'm doing, thinking, feeling,etc. I know my two siblings know I'm moving, and yet they haven't said a word about it because they're too caught up in their own drama. It may sound silly, but that's just one of numerous examples. I love them, but this hurts me. Especially since I always try to be there for them. Maybe I need to be more selective about whom I care about and with who I offer emotional support. Interestingly, I had this really intense session with one of my favorite clients today that really had me 'feeling' where she is coming from.
The main topic of discussion was how she is the oldest in her family and....(big surprise) has felt like everyone's caretaker, only to feel alone when she is the one that needs help, someone to listen,etc. Usually one to be very positive and keep her sad/painful feelings to herself, she began to open up to me in a way I have never seen in the almost three years we have done counseling together. I kept telling her it's ok to feel what she feels (because she kept trying to justify it...like I might do), even if I'm the only one she can express those feelings with. As the session progressed, she became teary and cried a little bit. I was quietly attentive as I allowed her to cry and listened to the pain she had buried from years past. There's something beautiful about witnessing raw pain, as depressing or bizarre as that may sound to most people.
Sometimes I think I'm too much of a feeler, too sensitive because when I see true pain (versus someone who may just be manipulative) in one of my clients, I too find myself getting emotional (on the inside). I can feel their pain so strongly that I secretly feel myself becoming slightly teary-eyed. I wonder if this is normal, if I'm too compassionate to be a therapist at times. But maybe it's just a part of the core of who I am. I don't think I'd want it any other way either, as hard and emotional as it can be.
At one point, she mentioned how she heard indirectly how much a family member loved her and how shocked she was because this person never told her directly. I told my client that it just goes to show how we sometimes have no idea who loves us, how much we are loved....that sometimes it's the people who never say/show it (or maybe it's so subtle that love us the most. It was as if I needed to say those words of insight/encouragement to remind myself just as much as it was important for her to hear me say it. I feel like I have had alot of sessions with clients in the past month where they end up breaking down crying. It is overwhelming being in the presence of that, but yet it helps me realize my own feelings on life, death, transition, and simply what it means to be a feeling human being. And in those moments, I am reminded of why it can be wonderful (for me) to feel SO much.
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." ---American Beauty
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