Yesterday and today I have been thinking alot about the idea of courage. Interestingly, it has been quite the pondering theme for me the past 24 hours..... 


     I spent a majority of my late afternoon yesterday reading Osho's philosophy on the principle in his book "Courage: the Joy of Living Dangerously." How many of us step outside our comfort zones and/or the "masks" we put on to the world? Do we reveal who we truly are or bask in the shadows of fear? Osho makes a distinction between courage and complete fearlessness. Fear is a part of life; everyone will experience it throughout life. Courage, however, is acknowledging the fear that is present and being oneself despite the fear. It can be scary going into the unknown because that is when we feel most vulnerable, but it is also an authentic and powerful experience.
 
     I just finished the book earlier this morning on my way to work. It is full of so many insightful and motivating things, a few of which spoke to me most....as it relates to my own fears lately with "exposing" myself through my writing and knowing people are reading my various "thoughts" on here...the "real" me.

     A few insightful quotes:

"To allow somebody to reach your center is risky, dangerous, because you never know what that person will do to you. And once all your secrets are known, once your hiddeness has become unhidden, once you are exposed completely, what that other person will do you never know. The fear is there. That's why we never open."

"Just be what you are and don't care a bit about the world. Then you will feel a tremendous relaxation and a deep peace within your heart. This is what Zen people call your 'original face'---relaxed, without tensions, without pretensions, without hypocrisies, without the so-called disciplines of how you should behave."
 

    I LOVE THAT LAST QUOTE! This is exactly how I feel about writing blogs....which is why I was so afraid to do it at first.....worrying what other people think. Even though it has been scary, I continue to keep going with a sense of courage because the more I write, the more I feel an odd sense of freedom to be myself, despite the opinions or potential judgment of others. I think, who cares!! It could be a great thing, for people I know (and don't know) to know the real me, masks removed! I'm definitely not fearless, don't get me wrong.....but I'm not truly living if I don't take risks. I would rather choose freedom over a "safe", dull, predictable existence. What is there to look forward to without a little "unknown" to give us that thrill and touch of anxiety in the best possible sense?!
 
    Another phenomenal quote: ""What matters is your choice: your choice to learn, your choice to experience, your choice to go into the dark. Slowly slowly your courage will start functioning. And sharpness of intelligence is not something separate from courage, it is almost one organic whole."

     Be yourself. How refreshing! How easy to say and how hard to do, but meaningful when one CAN manage to do so. After having read up on the subject, it was interesting to then be channel surfing last night and stumble upon the same theme! I came upon this show on PBS that instantly caught my attention. I was trying to figure out what was going on, as I happened to be catching the show at the last 10 minutes or so of whatever it was. There were a bunch of teenagers of different backgrounds (Israeli, Palestinian, Indian,etc) at this camp in the wilderness, I think in the US somewhere. The whole point of this camp was the hope that they would become more open-minded to see each other as equals/a common humanity.....people who otherwise view each other as "the enemy" when they are back on their "home turf." It was very cool to see/hear that it actually did happen, even though their whole lives they had been trained by their particular society to do just the opposite. It was called "Seeds of Peace." Then, right after that show was another segment of the "America at a Crossroads" series I had seen before.

     The first one I watched last month was about soldiers writing about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences regarding war. This one was called "Faith Without Fear." An Islamic woman, Irshad Manji, challenges the ideas of Fundamentalist extremism in the thought provoking program: pbs.org/weta/crossroads/about/show_faith_without_fear.html. Talk about inspiring! I thought to myself: wow, if this woman can be so courageous and speak out against injustices despite facing frequent death threats against her for doing so....what excuse do I possibly have for not working towards living more courageously myself?!?!
 
     Being yourself and not worrying what other people think....true freedom. Not only that, this also came up in two really awesome sessions I had with clients today. The first session I had wasn't necessarily about courage, but in a weird way, I felt like I had some insightful feedback/perspective to give him today because of some of the positive things I read in my book....like communicating how you feel about something in an honest and real way. And the cool thing is that the guy seemed to be open to what I was saying, like he really stopped, listened, and was processing it. With my clients that rarely happens during a session, so that made me feel good. Then, the second guy I saw today was talking about shame he feels in regard to his drug use. I talked with him about courage and not worrying what other people think, especially since they are going to think what they want to think anyway. He also really listened to what I had to say, like he might consider following the little "exercise" I gave him to work on overcoming shame in favor of "exposing" himself with courage.

     All in all, I've gained much insight from the ideas on courage presented to me to think about from not only the book, but seeing it in action....within myself and others.

     I'm having a refreshingly bizarre week of randomness with people, not to mention the thoughts and feelings they have been triggering within me. Scary at first, but then fascinatingly wonderful. If you are wondering why I posted this photo of people in the semi light/semi darkness jumping in the air, it is because it is symbolic of how I'm feeling about life at the moment. It has been overwhelming me with a seesaw of emotions, but overall it's a great thing!

     Despite my feelings of confusion and stress about relationships and making big life decisions, I've had unexpected conversations with friends and family lately that have given me the kind of support and direction I didn't even realize on some level I needed. Most surprisingly, I have also been connecting and reconnecting with others that I don't usually even see or even talk to on the phone. For example, yesterday I talked to my friend Jennie for the first time in like 8 years! She called me all the way from Germany (where she lives) on my work phone and we had a great hour long conversation and it was almost as if we were back in college hanging out and talking about things like old times. It didn't feel like it had been 8 years at all. Love it.

     Over this past weekend, my friend Tracy told me about this job possibility she thought I would be an ideal candidate for in Seattle, Washington.....at a school where my friend's mother works. They are in need of a counselor. I spent a majority of my morning in between doing work yesterday working on completing the online application, so as not to miss this potential opportunity that has come my way. While I still have some questions to inquire about regarding the job, work atmosphere,etc, I am confident that things will work out the way they are supposed to, even if it means I do or do not end up getting/taking the job.

     Last night I called my dad to tell him about it, as I had not talked to him lately and wanted to touch base. I was surprised that right away he seemed to be discouraging me, questioning whether it would be a safe environment for me because it was an alternative school. I tried to be patient and see things from his perspective....I'm thinking ok, he's a cop AND I'm his daughter, so that makes him doubly protective of looking out for me. He immediately asked me if the school makes alot of calls to the police for violent disputes. I told him I didn't know, but that I would ask. He told me he didn't want to burst my bubble, but that if the school is anything like the alternative schools he gets calls from/has to respond to in Florida (where he lives), it is something I need to consider: the environment I would be working in. I agree that he has valid concerns/points, but at the same time, I became more annoyed the more I thought about it. I told him that I don't think my friend and her mother would have suggested this job idea to me if they thought it would be a hazardous working environment. He actually agreed with me that he had not thought of that/"true." I also told him it would probably be no more "dangerous" than my current job working with drug addicts! Still, my dad's cop instincts took over and he became analytical with his advice on looking up info on criminal activity,etc.

     While I plan on taking his advice to an extent, when I got off the phone with him he gave me a valuable realization, a reminder of how I make my own decisions and the kind of person I am at the core....with a balance of heart and mind. My dad and I tend to be opposite in that way. I think that's why he drove me crazy and we didn't get along much when I was younger. His decisions seem to be ruled more by rational thinking and analysis, whereas I follow my intuitive feelings on big life decisions. I realized last night I have always been somewhat of a rebel at heart. I'm not a rebel in the stereotypical ways. When I was a kid, I never got tattoos or snuck out of the house, got in trouble with the law, those sorts of things....but I would stubbornly question authority of my parents, talk back to them, not listen....I wanted to do what I wanted to do!
 
     I remember when I was a kid my mom telling me I would make a great lawyer because I sure did know how to argue and loved to have the last word. Haha. Of course, I have toned it down or at least modified it in more productive ways over the years, but it is STILL there, a part of me. Last night was no exception. What's funny is that my dad helped me realize that while I may have initial fears about the unknown, that hidden courageously stubborn part of me is right there behind it. After a little bit of doubt last night, I then started to think, "Eh, fuck it. I'm going to do it ANYWAY....just as I always do what I feel is right for me at the time." See, big decisions I have made (like moving to Chicago, for example) hasn't steered me wrong. In fact, it has created quite the opposite...opportunity to grow and discover myself and what I have to offer the world. I didn't know a soul when I moved to Chicago. I didn't know the city at all, how to get anywhere. I didn't know if I'd feel safe or vulnerable. I didn't know if I would succeed in graduate school. This overall feeling of "not knowing" proved more freeing and life changing than what I DID know....that staying stagnant is boring and lifeless. And what IS security anyway? It's all just a silly illusion we tell ourselves to keep from having anxiety attacks about life's uncertainties.
 
     My dad mentioned how it may be a "tough" job (the job at the school). I thought alot about this last night and this morning on my way to work. What HASN'T been tough and challenging for me in this field of helping people? Helping people IS tough, but it is a worthwhile and rewarding pursuit. This is what I'm passionate about....being the positive change I wish to see in the world (a la Gandhi style).

     When I was in graduate school I had an internship working at a residential facility with children who had been abused and/or had severe behavioral problems. There was at least one occasion (if not more) where one of the kids I worked with could have hit me with a metal pole or other weapon-like looking objects in one of the rooms where my supervisor and I would do the weekly groups. They could have if they wanted to, but I didn't and still don't live in fear of others...no matter how traumatic their past. I find the good in even seemingly "bad" people..not in a nieve way, but in an honest and real way. It doesn't mean I don't probe into the raw and nitty gritty emotions...in fact getting to the good stuff usually involves delving into the messy negative thoughts and emotions first. But I think having this mindset has kept "danger" away from me for that very reason. I see past what they did or things that have happened to them...I look into the humanity, the commonalities of life that make us all human. I am not afraid of someone who is showing me their anger, their fears, their dark side, their nostalgic feelings, their desire to want and be more, excitement over small accomplishments, or simply even a sense of hopelessness. I am not afraid, because I see these same things in myself....from my past, to my present, to my future. And I see all these things across the board working with my clients at my current job too....something else that was unknown to me when I first started, yet I think now how much I have grown personally and professionally.

     Just this morning I had this phenomenal session with this 55 year old Vietnam vet. He looks like a biker dude, but is totally soft spoken with a very philosophical and intelligent articulateness about him. Somehow, and I love when this happens at times, he got to talking about experiences he had in Saudi Arabia the two years he was over there in his early 20's. He only had to talk to me for a 15 minute session, and yet he was in my office reminiscing about fascinating people and experiences from his past for 45 minutes! I was in such awe. I thought, this is what makes my job worth it: listening and being a part of the stories of other's lives. When I handed him his appointment card for next month's session, he asked if we were done and I said "Yup." Before he turned around to walk out the door of my office, he looked at me with a shy smile and a softly sincere "Thank you."
 
     I don't think I'm meant to work a "normal" job. I think I would be bored and lifeless. Maybe "tough" jobs are what I know best and thrive at...a good fit for my inner rebellious streak. Interestingly, as I was walking the remainder of my morning commute this morning, I was listening to my radio/headphones. A song had just ended and the commentator started reading some passage, I think from "The Art of Happiness." I thought it was weird that anyone would be quoting something so spiritual on a radio station, especially considering it wasn't a religious station. I thought it was cool too, like a little dose of inspiration for my day. What really made me chuckle though was his last line, or personal comment maybe: "Follow Your Bliss." I took that as a sign that I'm exactly where I need to be and will continue to be....