It is very rare for me to read a book where I don't know what alot of words mean, or even for me to come across words I have never seen before in a novel. Such is the refreshing, rare exception to the classic literature novel I am currently reading, "Magic Mountain" by Thomas Mann.

I love how books somehow stumble into my life unexpectedly at times. I wasn't familiar with this author at all until my mom, an English comp/literature/humanities,et al professor, told me she was reading "Death in Venice." Following suit, I picked it up to read as well, intrigued by its description. Initially, I was a bit intimidated to read it, mainly because the sentences were long-winded and the style was different with its vocabulary. But then I came to appreciate its uniqueness and the slightly creepy aire to it.

After finishing DIV, I figured I'd take a stab at MM. Funny enough, I find this book more challenging. It is 700 small print pages!! It is descriptive to the nnth degree that tests my patience and concentration level at times, but honestly, it is refreshing to read something that challenges me intellectually. I had to pull the Webster's Dictionary off my bookshelf. Blowing the dust off of it, I cracked it open to investigate some unrecognizable words. It is interesting how one's perspective changes as you get older. I remember when I was younger, I used to be so annoyed when someone (my dad usually) would tell me to "look it up" when I didn't know what a word meant. Now, I welcome such an opportunity to learn! I have already learned 3 new words this past week:

Word #1: dolt/doltish: a stupid person. Hehehe.

Word #2: abrogation: to abolish, repeal, annul.

Word #3: diaphanous: letting much light through.

While I probably won't be using these words in my everyday language anytime soon (except doltish, because it sounds fun to say!), my literary thirst is being quenched. This morning I was thinking about how much I need intellectual stimulation, exercise for my mind. When I was in graduate school, I was mentally "fit" with all the papers, tests, discussion to engage me. But now that I am working, it is hard to find someone/thing that challenges me on that level, especially since most of my clients are not educated or intellectual. It challenged me to also think, "Would you rather be compassionate, helping other people and not be challenged intellectually or use analytical intelligence every day, but not be making a difference in other's lives?" This is a tough call for me, because I truly believe I need to exercise both qualities to express my true nature/personality,etc. Maybe in an ideal world, I could do both. In reality though, I very rarely do both...at work anyway. Yet, I'm still a dreamer of sorts.

This is why I passionately love books, both fiction and nonfiction. I can utilize my intellect and in a way, "feel" for the characters in fiction novels. I remember hearing that with books, you can "travel" miles away without moving an inch. Very true!!

It's funny how you might see a movie preview, hear a few things about it and not necessarily entirely know what's it about, but within seconds you know enough about it to know if it looks like something you'd want to check out at some point. Such is the case with me and "Shortbus", a movie I watched last night with a few friends.

 I remember reading a blurb about it when it came out in the theater last year, but never got around to seeing it for one reason or another. Finally out on DVD, I was curious to check it out. All I really knew about it was that it focused on sex in the context of relationships/couples living in NYC....and that it was rated UR, a rating which I can't recall seeing before....so wasn't sure what I was in store for. Would it be a cheeky portrayal of liberal, sexually adventurous couples looking to spice things up? Would it simply be a porn flick in the guise of an indie movie? Better yet, would it focus on stereotypical gay relationships with some drag queen scenes thrown in for good measure? Surprisingly and refreshingly, none of the aforementioned. (Though there were some drag queens in some scenes, it was part of the overall scene, not the focus of it/exploitative)

I was astounded and impressed by the "real life" feel of this movie. While it may deceive potential viewers into believing this movie is all about sex, it is only a partial forum of expression in demonstrating issues of intimacy the characters in the film are working through together...and alone. The first few minutes of the movie seem to serve as initial "shock value" when you see alot of sex going on in 3 different, yet interweaving, relationships. If you are easily embarrassed, uncomfortable, or offended by overt sexuality, this may not be the movie for you. Even a gay friend of mine who was watching it with me became visibly uncomfortable at first with the "real life" display of sex on the screen. I asked why he was uncomfortable, as I know he's watched porn, so how is that any different I asked? Because it wasn't "simulated" and had underlying intimacy in the context of the characters' relationships. How interesting that we seem to be more comfortable with fake, detached/depersonalized sex than we are with watching intimate sex acts. I'm certainly not criticizing my friend, for surely, he is in the majority....most people have fears of intimacy....of letting their guard down to be vulnerable enough and let others really "see" who they are, regardless of consequences (ie being rejected and/or abandoned,etc). I'm no stranger to this myself. I remember reading this astoundingly, eye opening book in graduate school about sex and intimacy called "Passionate Marriage (Couple)." It brought to awareness my own fears and issues surrounding intimacy, including myths society perpetuates regarding romance and intimacy. I could write a blog just on this topic alone, but I'm straying from the topic at hand...the movie.

As I was saying, this movie is just absolutely excellent. It reminds me of my grad school days learning and analyzing couples relationships in my marriage and family masters program. Once in awhile, my professor Dr. Todd would have us watch scenes from a movie he picked out for the purpose of analysis/assessment of the intricacies of the couple's relationship and have a class discussion about it. "Shortbus" is the kind of movie that, if it weren't for the sex scenes, could be used as a tool for further critical analysis of love relationships in 2007.

 It portrays various kinds of relationships across the board: 

A married woman who loves her husband, but has never had an orgasm and desperately searches for this experience outside of and within herself. (Interestingly, she is a sex/couples counselor!)

 A gay couple who love each other, but the one guy's self-worth holds him back from allowing himself to be loved.

A (hilarious!!) dominatrix named "Severin" who ironically enough, is afraid to reveal her real name and express genuine intimacy outside of her role as a sex worker.

Overall, I can't say enough how much I loved this movie. Even the ending had realistic closure to it, which is hard to find in films. I wasn't sure if my friends were going to say they liked it, as usually when I really like a movie, I seem to be in the minority. We were talking about it afterwards though and they seemed to think favorably of it as well. What we found surprising was how good the acting was considering I think most of them had never acted before/much.

Most of all, watching "Shortbus" reminded me just how much I miss studying/learning about couples relationships since I finished graduate school. Observing strengths, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies in relationships and writing papers on the subject always fascinated me. Since then, I feel as if I've strayed far from that true interest and intrigue in my current job working with drug addicts. While I feel somewhat sad about it, at the same time, this movie helped remind me of what direction I need to go, steering me back to what I personally find interesting and meaningful....working as a family and couples therapist.

 

She was a motherless child at 5 years old, her mother having died during childbirth. Imagine watching your mother's funeral service in your living room at five years old. And taking care of your nine brothers and sisters while your father works all day. She loved the color purple, including Lilac flowers. Money was always tight, but her clothes were always crisp and she carried with it a sophisticated aire. Brown tousled hair and a cheerful smile gave her a radiant glow of kindness and warmth.

 She had her first date with Don on the night of her high school graduation and they married on the evening of February 1, 1941 in Melrose, Massachusetts. While she had a lifetime of experiences and memories, I can only recall that part of her life that included my own.....

Her wrinkly skinned face felt soft as a pillow. It smelled of talcum powder and Oil of Olay lotion. She routinely had her hair done at the local beauty shop in Derry. You always knew where she was coming from when her hair was covered with a plastic hat to shield her new ‘do from the outside elements.

She had a distinct "Ta-Ha-Ha" laugh that reverberated a comforting tone to those who dearly loved her. "Oh Don!" could be heard any time she was appalled or remotely embarrassed by something her husband might have said to ruffle her feathers. Of the "old school days," she never learned to drive a car. She could always be found accompanying him on excursions to the local post office or Shaw's grocery store. No one could match her cooking, even if they tried. The smell of her gravy, perfected over the years by each successive holiday, enveloped the whole house. Mouths watering, family members rushing to the kitchen just for a quick fix....to swallow spoonfuls of gravy like a bowl full of homemade soup.

Her loyal and loving gestures extended to making me bacon and eggs the morning after a weekend sleepover. And making cookie cutter ham and cheese sandwiches of different shapes on soft, squishy white bread for lunch when I was in kindergarten. 

She worried about everyone else's well-being, usually at the expense of her own. She ached to love and be loved by family. She cried when she was happy, as well as when she was sad. Exuding so much compassion, it was easy to see why sometimes family members could be so jealous of the love she gave so freely. Around the time of her birthday in April 1988, she dropped dead of a heart attack in the doctor's office the day she was there to find out why she had been feeling so ill. Family would later speculate she died of a "broken heart."

Though gone physically, she lives on within the context of my memories 19 years later. The most loving woman I have ever known....my grandmother.